To an extent.

I was sitting in my Gender in Fiction class last week, trying to get my thoughts together so I could articulate them and participate in the discussion going on. I was contemplating gender (obviously, since the class is Gender in Fiction) - the binary and the in between. The third gender. And then it hit me -

Third orientation.

That's it. That's me.

Queer? Straight?

Nope. Third. Other. Miscellaneous. Not bisexual. Not pansexual. Not queer.

Third.

The number is arbitrary - it could be fourth, fifth or sixth orientation, based on how many orientations you consider to exist. I use "third" orientation because of the relation to the third gender - the other gender. Third = other. At least in my mind. That and to me, there are two primary orientations - queer and straight. With most people, they're either one or the other - heternormative or non-heteronormative. With me, I feel that I'm neither and both.

Does that make sense?

I'm not gay. I'm not straight. Not bi, pan, or queer. I'm none of it and all of it. I'm outside of it and inside of it.

Why can't I just define myself as queer, though?

Queer is a huge umbrella term, and while it does encompass my identity, it's not specific enough. Third orientation is just enough specific and umbrella enough to work for me.

I feel like this fits me so much better.

However, I do have an internalized phobia of some kind. I think it's internalized heterophobia. To me, it makes more sense to call it bisexual guilt.

My queer identity is so much apart of me that when I'm attracted to someone of the opposite sex, when I'm perceived as straight, I feel guilty about it. I feel like I'm losing part of my queer identity and betraying... something? someone? I don't know. I end up being a self-hating... something. I'm not sure what exactly. Self-hating hetero? Self-hating gay?

I feel guilty about having that opportunity at privilege, which is silly, because guilt over privilege is privilege wasted.

So, in that sense, I'm still struggling with my identity.

But I feel like I've had a major break through. I feel like I can breathe a little better.

I really thought the relationship gods were against me for a while. What with the whole Massachusetts fiasco, and then what happened Saturday night with G.

I was supposed to hang out with her a while ago - we were going to go to Masque (the best gay club ever), but I fell asleep and my phone didn't ring when she called (otherwise I would have woken up). I was supposed to go see her play at Boston Stoker, but then I felt like death. And then Saturday, some friends and I were planning on going to Masque, so I invited her along. We got a late start and my friends said they didn't want to pay $10 to go for 2 hours so we didn't go, and I ended up flaking on her. Again.

So, a couple hours later she calls me.

"Hey, I'm at Masque with some friends, but we're looking for some other place to hang out. Know of any parties going on?"

Um. Fuck yes. The one I'm at. Come see me come see me come see me. Well, I'm at ______ right now. You should stop by.

"Yeah - we might do that."

And holy fucking shit she stopped by.

With her date for the night. I was disappointed, to say the least.

But we made plans to get coffee the next day. And we talked for forrreeeevvvvver (about 3 hours). I ended up asking her what the deal was with the girl she was with, and essentially, they have a thing, but they'll probably end up being just friends. We talked about hanging out again (going out for margaritas and having a Supernatural marathon with Cousin Vinny's pizza). And then she texts me today asking when our margarita night can happen :)

Things are lookin' up.

I'm trying not to get my hopes up though. Every time I do, they seemed to get smashed, especially as of late. I'm not dealing with that again.

But I'm excited :)

Because I'm in a random mood like that.

1.) Bubble wrap
2.) A trampoline
3.) A pool/hot tub
4.) A library
5.) The back seat of my friend's car (it's a really BIG, leathery, comfy back seat. I'm not just a weird creeper).
6.) A practice room (I'm a music major. STFU).
7.) A classroom
8.) A foam pit
9.) A water bed

I'll add to the list as I think of more places.